- Do you think the title fits the story?
- Does the introduction grab your attention and want you to continue reading?
- Is there any point in the story where you want me to extend/ explain more?
- Do you feel like it could have been just longer in general? i feel like i skipped some parts and it just ended.
Philadelphia
Growing up in the inner city of Philadelphia wasn’t your ideal childhood. I didn’t have a yard to play in and I wasn’t allowed outside unless my dad was right by my side. Some nights it was impossible to sleep with the sound of gun shots echoing of the walls of my bedroom. Every night sitting with my parents seeing peoples faces on the news that ive seen on the streets of my neighborhood made it hard for them to even think about letting me go outside.
After putting me on the bus every morning both my parents had to go to work. They went to work so early in the morning so they could be there to get me off the bus because they didn’t want me walking down my street alone. One day after school, getting off the bus I noticed my mom or dad wasn’t there to get me. It didn’t bother me as much as you’d think so I began to walk home. All of the sudden about three houses behind me two gun shots were fired.
My heart dropped to floor, I looked around everywhere in a panic sweat dripping from my forehead. All I could think about is how much I needed my parents. I had no idea what to do so I started running towards my house. While I was running I heard an old raspy voice screaming in my direction
“Hey you, hey boy, get in here right now its not safe for you to be out on the streets”
Without even thinking about it I ran up her porch steps and into her house.
“You get in here and take a seat on the coach, are you ok?” she said
“Yes thank you so much what’s going on” I replied. Barely hearing her question with the beat of my heart pounding through my shirt.
“I don’t know but were not going out there to find out” as she walked away to lock all her doors. Her skin was as dark as charcoal, long dark black hair, dark chocolate eyes and very short but intimidating woman. I could tell she was pretty old by all the old antics and the family pictures on the wall.
“Ive seen you walking down the street before, where ya live kid?”
“About three houses down” I replied.
“Oh ok no worries ill just keep an eye out for your parents you just stay there and rest” she said. I ended up waking up on her couch two hours later; my parents were out on her porch drinking coffee with her. I couldn’t tell what they all were looking at so I opened the front door to a huge crime scene a couple houses down. The most cop cars ive ever seen an ambulance and a news truck. It was all roped off and the whole neighborhood was outside waiting to see what happened, I was just happy to see my parents.
“Were so sorry we weren’t there for you Tim we promise it wont happen again” while hugging me.
“What do you say to Mrs. Robinson?” my dad said
“Thank you so much” I said to her while giving her a huge hug.
All I wanted to do was go home so my Mom took me home while my dad stayed outside to see if he could get anymore information.
Later that night my dad came in the house and told us to turn on the news. It was a story on our street, they said it was murderer and two victims were killed. We didn’t know our neighbors very well but we knew who the people were that got shot. My mom’s eyes filled up with tears as so did mine. Going to bed I heard my parents talking about moving to New York and I had no problem with that. I ended up finishing the school year in Philadelphia and every day after school I would stop by Mrs. Robinson’s house to talk to her. I will never forget her and I could never show her how thankful I was for what she did. My family and I moved to New York that summer.
Hi Tim,
ReplyDeleteI like the colors of your blog...well-done. It is sharp looking in black and red.
Be sure to edit your posts. There are lots of grammatical errors in capitalization and missing apostrophies, etc.
I got on here to give you feeback on your character sketch and it isn't here! Don't slow me down Buddy. I want to get these done and move on.
You also seem to be missing some posts. Double check the list I have posted on my blog and please email me when you get the character sketch up here so that I can give you the feedback you need and you can wrap this up.
See you in class,
Ms. Basko
Hi Again Tim,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you updated this with the drafts attached. I'm going to comment on this one first so that you can get started on the revisions for it.
Let me first start with your reflection of it. I like how you explain why you drafted this piece and why it is so important to you.
Double check each of your reflections for spelling and capitalization issues:) Remember this is academic writing and you aren't texting. Use your caps for "I" and don't forget your apostrophies, etc.
Now for the feedback you wanted:
1. Do you think the title fits the story?
I love the title. I was interested in the story and wondering what the meaning was behind it.
2. Does the introduction grab your attention and want you to continue reading?
Yes it does. At first as I read it, I thought that I wanted a better hook or perhaps to start the story a bit later with the gun shots. Sometimes students start stories with TOO much background information and then the story drags out. I think you have a good sense of balance in this. It is the right amount to set things up and then you get right into the story and the dialogue lets the story continue to take off. I also like that you end with the narration.
3. Is there any point in the story where you want me to extend/ explain more?
Yes, I want to hear more about what Mrs. Robinson looked like. What was she like. She did a great thing by pulling you into her home in the middle of all this craziness but what was she like in those moments? What did her face look like? How did she say things to you? I think you have a WONDERFUL story to tell but I want you to work on the descriptive writing a bit. I want you to get creative in how you create an image of her. Use sensory detail, use descriptive adjectives and vivid verbs. Help us to SEE her.
4. Do you feel like it could have been just longer in general? I feel like I skipped some parts and it just ended.
I think it is a great length. I think it is long enough to tell a VERY interesting story. I was captivated while reading it. But short enough that I didn't get bored or feel like it was draggin on. Like I said, work on the descriptive writing.
I think the introduction and the conclusion narrations could be cleaned up a bit. Like in your opening line you can say that growing up in Philli wasn't THE ideal childhood. Use "the" instead of "your." Remember to use first person throughout and not to say "you" or "your" to the reader.
I also want you to check this site to see how to punctuate all of the dialogue:
http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/dialogue.shtml
or this one:
http://teacherweb.com/CT/ScottsRidgeMS/Jennes/punctuating.pdf
Either of these will help you make corrections on how to use dialogue tags appropriately and how to use the commas. Be sure to read throught one or both of them.
Tim, I have to say again, I LOVE this story. I can't wait to see what else you do with it.
I know that I didn't give you a ton of specific suggestions but I do hope that you decide to spend some focused time on this. It is such a great story and I think that when you re-read it and think about it, you will see where you can make it better, stronger, and clearer.
Let me know if you have any other questions,
Ms. Basko