New Conclusions

original conclusion- All seven deadly sins are committed on a baseball field. There are many different ways players can express the sins on the field before, during or after the game. Most of the positive sins take place on a baseball field but sometimes it gets real competitive and aggravating for some players.


New Conclusion- A baseball field is a great example for a place where the deadly sins take place. Many different ways a player can act can give an example of any sin. Sometimes competition gets the best of players who show examples of negative sins. All deadly sins take place on a baseball field.


New Conclusion- Where do you think the deadly sins take place? Almost all sins can take place anywhere thats why i used a place i loved to be. On a baseball field either during practice or during a game all the deadly sins can take place. They also might not only take place on the field but in the stands as well with the fans watching the game. A baseball field is a great example of a place were the deadly sins take place. 


New Conclusion- There are many different ways a player can express the sins during a baseball game. There are many positive sins taking place between teammates but sometimes the competition comes between us which brings out the negative sins in us. All seven deadly sins are committed on a baseball field
 

7 Deadly Sins Reflection

When i first started writing this piece i was thinking it would be alot easier to write about if i related it to something i love which is baseball. I enjoyed relating the seven deadly sins to the game i love. It mad it very easy to give examples of some of the sins. Alot of the sins over lapped though which was one of my issues. I felt like i could have given examples including the fans and stadium itself. I talked about what happened on the field but not off which i could edit. The greatest strengths of my paper are the on field examples and the weakness of my paper is my examples sometimes over lapped and for some there wasnt as much shown during baseball as much as others.

All seven deadly sins committed on a baseball field. Lust, gluttony, sloth, greed, envy, wrath and pride all take place on a baseball field. During practice, during games and especially in the playoffs or championships. There are many different kinds of players on the field; there are selfish players and team players that show different sins.

            Many players show lust in the same situation. If a player hits a game winning homerun all the other players would show lust for that hit. If a player has a good hit or makes a good play and gets attention for it most players would be envious of him. Most players play with pride or show pride once they win a game or if there team is playing good during the game. Many people in attendance love that ballpark smell and the smell of a ballpark hotdog. People in attendance show there gluttony for the food they serve during the games.

            Sometimes during a game selfish players show there greed to make a play. If the ball is hit towards a defensive player and there about to make the play and you decide to cut in front of them to make a play is very greedy and disrespectful to your teammate. It gets aggravating for teammates if you don’t play a ball hard or not make a play due to your laziness. Players can show there wrath in many ways especially during the playoffs or in the championship game. Pitchers sometimes feel the batter is crowding the plate or if they just don’t like the batter they will peg him or if there’s a play at the plate and the runner decides to try to run the catcher over that also shows wrath.

            All seven deadly sins are committed on a baseball field. There are many different ways players can express the sins on the field before, during or after the game. Most of the positive sins take place on a baseball field but sometimes it gets real competitive and aggravating for some players.

            

Final Revision

The piece of literature that i chose to get feedback for was my character sketch. This was a very serious paper about a story in my childhood. I hated living in Philadelphia and ill never forget how life was living in the city. My parents hated living there and was always thinking about moving. As bad as i wanted to i was getting sick of moving because we already lived in NY. I really enjoyed my paper but i felt like i could make it a lot longer and easier to grab the readers attention. there are many things i would like feedback on.
- Do you think the title fits the story?
- Does the introduction grab your attention  and want you to continue reading?
- Is there any point in the story where you want me to extend/ explain more?
- Do you feel like it could have been just longer in general? i feel like i skipped some parts and it just ended.

Philadelphia

            Growing up in the inner city of Philadelphia wasn’t your ideal childhood. I didn’t have a yard to play in and I wasn’t allowed outside unless my dad was right by my side. Some nights it was impossible to sleep with the sound of gun shots echoing of the walls of my bedroom. Every night sitting with my parents seeing peoples faces on the news that ive seen on the streets of my neighborhood made it hard for them to even think about letting me go outside.

            After putting me on the bus every morning both my parents had to go to work. They went to work so early in the morning so they could be there to get me off the bus because they didn’t want me walking down my street alone. One day after school, getting off the bus I noticed my mom or dad wasn’t there to get me. It didn’t bother me as much as you’d think so I began to walk home. All of the sudden about three houses behind me two gun shots were fired.

            My heart dropped to floor, I looked around everywhere in a panic sweat dripping from my forehead. All I could think about is how much I needed my parents. I had no idea what to do so I started running towards my house. While I was running I heard an old raspy voice screaming in my direction

“Hey you, hey boy, get in here right now its not safe for you to be out on the streets”

Without even thinking about it I ran up her porch steps and into her house.

“You get in here and take a seat on the coach, are you ok?” she said

“Yes thank you so much what’s going on” I replied. Barely hearing her question with the beat of my heart pounding through my shirt.

“I don’t know but were not going out there to find out” as she walked away to lock all her doors. Her skin was as dark as charcoal, long dark black hair, dark chocolate eyes and very short but intimidating woman. I could tell she was pretty old by all the old antics and the family pictures on the wall.

“Ive seen you walking down the street before, where ya live kid?”

“About three houses down” I replied.

“Oh ok no worries ill just keep an eye out for your parents you just stay there and rest” she said. I ended up waking up on her couch two hours later; my parents were out on her porch drinking coffee with her. I couldn’t tell what they all were looking at so I opened the front door to a huge crime scene a couple houses down. The most cop cars ive ever seen an ambulance and a news truck. It was all roped off and the whole neighborhood was outside waiting to see what happened, I was just happy to see my parents.

“Were so sorry we weren’t there for you Tim we promise it wont happen again” while hugging me.

“What do you say to Mrs. Robinson?” my dad said

“Thank you so much” I said to her while giving her a huge hug.

All I wanted to do was go home so my Mom took me home while my dad stayed outside to see if he could get anymore information.

            Later that night my dad came in the house and told us to turn on the news. It was a story on our street, they said it was murderer and two victims were killed. We didn’t know our neighbors very well but we knew who the people were that got shot. My mom’s eyes filled up with tears as so did mine. Going to bed I heard my parents talking about moving to New York and I had no problem with that. I ended up finishing the school year in Philadelphia and every day after school I would stop by Mrs. Robinson’s house to talk to her. I will never forget her and I could never show her how thankful I was for what she did. My family and I moved to New York that summer. 

How to/process analysis draft reflection

When me and my partner first started thinking about topics to write about we were having a difficult time. We didn't want to choose a boring topic so we picked a popular topic of breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend.This was a good choice i though because its a very popular topic for the high school stage in most peoples lives. Most topics we included in the paper were very easy to explain and give examples. One of the ways we explained was how to break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend over a picture. This method was very hard to explain because we couldn't imagine anyone going through with this method. It was a hard method to explain. The only thing that was recommended to us to edit was to add more methods. We used alot of basic methods that alot of people use because there so popular but thinking of new ways is something we could add in the future. Also in the Picture method there was only one example. Maybe if we though about it a little harder we could add more examples on how to use this method.
        What i liked a lot about our paper is the way we give you in our examples on what to say in possible situations. We didn't make up these situations, my partner and i have either gone through this or heard about it.

The best option:

§  “I thought we had something, but it’s not going to work out. We should still be friends.”

This is the texting method. In every method we gave an option that we thought what was best for you and your partner once going through this method for your breakup. 

Original intro with new Introductions

Original Intro-
           In Class we read a writing piece called “No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch” by Ann Hodgeman. In this piece she is writing about a food tasting experiment with dog food. She tries many different kinds, brands, flavors and then compares. She uses her great writing skills to describe disgusting descriptions that appeals to the grosser senses. In class we split up into groups, each group with a designated food item to compare and contrast the different brands and flavors of our food type as a group and discuss.


New Intro #1 w/combined intro and 1st paragraph- 

            In Class we read a writing piece called “No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch” by Ann Hodgeman. In this piece she is writing about a food tasting experiment with dog food. She tries many different kinds, brands, flavors and then compares. She uses her great writing skills to describe disgusting descriptions that appeals to the grosser senses. In class we split up into groups, each group with a designated food item to compare and contrast the different brands and flavors of our food type as a group and discuss.

            In my group we were given Potato chips. Our teacher provided us samples of many different kinds and flavors of the chips. We had Lays Classic, baked, sea salted and light. My definition of a potato chip is a perfect snack. Crunchy, round and heavily soaked in grease with the option of many flavors. I noticed in my group that the girls complained about how greasy most of them were while the guys didn’t mind that much. To guys I think the grease just means its going to taste that much better but to the girls it means how much worse it is for you health wise. Even though we had many different kinds the taste of the chips weren’t that different. My classmate described it perfectly “they don’t taste like anything and there impossible to stop eating”. 

New Intro #2-  

          Lays is a brand name for a number of potato chip varieties as well as the name of the company that founded the chip brand in 1932. In 1932, a salesman named Herman W. Lay opened a snack food operation in Nashville Tennessee where Lay potato chips were first sold. The Business changed its name to "The Lay's Company" in 1944, the same year it became the first manufacturer to purchase television commercial adds. With the help of the television adds and Lay's first ever slogan "de-Lay-sious" Lay's potato chips were being manufactured and produced worldwide. 

New Intro #3-

           Did you know potato chips are america's favorite snack food? The are devoured at a rate of 1.2 billion pounds a year. Potato chips became so popular worldwide theres is an actual "potato chip day" March 14th of every year. The Potato chip was invented in 1853 in saratoga springs, New York by a cook named George Crum. George opened his own restaurant where he placed a basket of his chips at every table calling them saratoga chips where the word spread about potato chips. In the United States, $6 billion is spent on potato chips each year. U.S. potato chip companies employ about 60,000 people. 

Food Paper

         In class we were split up into groups and served different types of a certain food product. Our group was given potato chips. All different kinds from classic, baked, sea salted and less fat. We compared everything about the different types of chips, which ones were our personal favorites and why. The feeling, the physical appearance, the taste and the smell are all factors on why someone may like or dislike the chips. To complete this task i needed to learn how to compare and contrast different things and explain why i felt the way i did about the certain chip types. I thought this was a very fun experience and experiment because i honestly was more interested in others opinions other than mine. I thought the girls excuses on why they didn't like them was funny. " there too greasy" i think that means you like them they should just be less greasy.
          I did struggle with the draft a little bit because i was afraid it was too boring. I wasn't sure if it would catch someones attention because all it was about was potato chips. The easiest part of this piece to me was putting in the slogans lays used to use and collaborate on them. The hardest to me was just trying to find things to talk about. its not  the most interesting subject in the world and i wanted it to be attention grabbing. The technique i used the most was compare and contrast. That's what most of my essay is about. The changes that needed to be mad to mine recommended by my partner was that my intro was too short. attention grabbing but not long enough. I could put my first paragraph into my intro to make it longer because there talking about the same thing.
         After rereading my essay i really enjoyed reading about other peoples opinions about the types of chips they liked and why. I also liked how i put the slogans used by lays dating back to the 1930's and how lays became as popular as they are today. My partner thought my paper was really good and the introduction was attention grabbing. She also thought i had a good main idea and it was interesting. The only thing she said was that my introduction was too short. She recommended that i should put my introduction and first paragraph together. I figured that was good advice because they talk about the same thing. What im going to revive in my essay is the introduction. I'm going to add on to the intro by combining it with the first paragraph and writing a completely new first paragraph. I'm going to include how lays became so popular back in the day and the changes they made to make there products better.